Destiny and jokes.

Destiny has a bad sense of humor.
It really has. That's what got me in this mess, I sure didn't do anything to get here. I just kind of ended up here without ever really wanting to. It just happened, and guess what?
I have this weird thought that you might enjoy this.
…
I really have. People claim a look says more than thousand words, and you just wrote me a goddamn novel.
I never get why you just don't spit out whatever it is that you want and let me get on with my own life. Damn you.

Ninth Hell

It hurts. It hurts, deep inside. It hurts, it rips and burns where you cannot just sew it up or extinguish the anguish. It's horrible, like being eaten from the inside out. Like being wronged in everything you say.
I'm losing my mind here. It's just slipping away between my fingers, like sand in hay or water in a cloth. Some of it might stick around, but not for the whole ride. It's just flowing away, like a lost child or forgotten memory.
It fucking hurts, this hurts! Why don't you ever stop? This hell is so hot it's freezing!

Sandman

[author's note: this story is a fair bit longer than the others, but it's one of my essays. have fun. also, Death speaks in italics.]

One thing was the car, smashed into a massive brick wall, her head crushed between the windshield and steering wheel, her face barely visible beneath a layer of blood. Another thing was Death himself breathing down her now cold neck. He wasn't rude, actually he was quite pleasant, helping her out of the remains of her mother's car so that she could see the damage and her own corpse.
After a few minutes of accounting her newest problem – that she was dying or already dead, she looked up at Death.
“So, tell me, what now?” she asked, brushing away a lock of bloodstained blond hair.
That's entirely for you to decide; he answered, looking at his watch, but the paramedics will be here in about half an hour, if my calculations are right.
“What's to decide? That crash looks pretty fatal to me.”
Like I said; that's your decision. You tell me if you're dead or not.
She looked at Death. He looked untouched by the morbid scenario: a 17-year old girl, bleeding profusely where the cracks in her skull poked through the skin. More than one bone in her body was broken, and she looked unconscious. Then it occurred to her -
“Let me get this right, I have to decide if I want to live or die?”
You're quite slow, let me tell you that.
“What's the catch? There's got to be a catch, right?”
Well, yes. Someone else is going to die too if you die. And you will be slightly disfigured, not to mention the small loss of sight.
“Wait a minute, someone else is going to die too? Who? Did I run someone over?”
Not exactly, no.
“Then what? Please cut the conversation and just tell me!”
You remember David, right? Your ex-boyfriend? He got you pregnant two months ago. He will commit suicide if you choose to die.
“Excuse me, I am pregnant?”
What do you think?
She didn't answer, but just took in all the information. Here she was, on her way out of town after an argument with her mother. She had crashed against the wall, had been made into a spirit by Death and now she was apparently pregnant. What a splendid day.
“Death?”
Yes?
“I'm going to Hell, right?”
Everybody does. Just for your information.
“I sure hope so. What's it like?”
Not so different from here.
“Damn.”
Bad day?
“Let's just go.”
So be it.

When the paramedics arrived, Rumor was pronounced dead at the scene.

Cozy

Warm. Cozy. The feeling of warm, strong arms holding on. Someone nuzzling into each other, lazily. Almost slowly pulling blankets up, yawning, stretching. Morning. No alarm clock screaming away, no shrill tones piercing the air. Simply just breathing, the whole room breathing peace. Sleepily, like a cat in the sun, cuddling up. Hair muzzled up. Fingers tangling up. Toes getting caught in stray threads in soft linen. A snore. A giggle. And what did it matter? To everyone else? Nothing. To them? Everything. This was the epitome of their relationship. Warm. Cozy. And sometimes, sometimes warm and cozy was enough.

The Splendour

Music was blaring from the speakers, and she had a feeling that she didn't care. She simply did not care about anything right now. The world had lost its colour and splendour, the blossoms had died and the snow kept falling. Thick, heavy flakes of white fluff. They covered the ground and the trees and left the whole world quiet and frozen to where it was. It just felt like everything had went to sleep, strongly intending not to wake up ever again.
A kiss from a beloved in the darkness. Perhaps this winter thing wasn't so bad after all.

The Beacon

A thousand ships couldn't sail me back from distress, when you are still there, a flaming beacon in the distance, a fire I can't put out. And Death, Death yearns to take me, Death is the cold, the snow and the rain, the merciless cry of the wind. But why are you still burning, you're burning and I'm dying. What I am afraid of? Nothing. Nothing but you. Nothing but Death and his cold hands. You, the light to my dark and the end of salvation. You, the final warmth in a world so cold and broken. You. You're Death.

Words

Wrong, this is just wrong, this is not something that just happens. Things take time, and somehow there was a huge gap missing, a jump in time from nothing to something. A wrong something, a twisted, sick, crippled something that would be better off as a nothing. Of course, now that they were here in the first place, there wasn't much to do about it. They could live it out here and now or they could let the wrong die. Wordlessly, they both hung on, kept on going, had room for one another. Silently. Words. Words would be their undoing.

Oh shit...

"Oh shit..."
"That's the pretty way of saying it. What are you going to do now?"
"I don't know. We're both knee deep in this shit together."
"How come?"
"They'll kill you if they find out."
"As if."
"I almost wish I was kidding."
"Almost? Isn't that I little... Weak?"
"Weak? You're the one that started all this, you ought to know the consequences."
"I'm not the one who's young AND stupid."
"That comes from you? You barely remember what I told you last night!"
"Ah, screw this. Wanna leave?"
"Let's ditch this bitch, baby."
"I love you."
"I know."

Doll

She wasn't gone yet. The rain was pouring outside the window, big, fat drops of icy water. She was still lying on the floor like a broken doll, the last lazy drops of blood falling to the floor in the same rythm as outside. He wasn't moving either. The room was cold aroud him. The cynical part of him regretted it. The other part of him was still caught in the horrible frenzy, cutting deep gashes in his own arms. It hurt on the outside, but inside he was completely numb. And she lay there, bleeding. Bleeding, like a doll.

You

Get out. Get out of my head. You're killing me, choking me, sucking the goddamned life out of me. You're wicked. You're not made for me. We shouldn't be here. You shouldn't go there. You should not do this. Not to me. Keep it to yourself, don't throw it all on me, don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm looking at you, why are you looking away, why are you fidgeting? Why don't we just stop? Why can't we stop? Why are we here, what made all this happen? You know this. You know it. You.

Wind

The chilly breeze from the window blew the girl's hair around her face, making her shiver. It didn't seem cold, but compared to sleeping next to the radiator, it was like falling into a pool of ice cubes. Her cat eyed her lazily from its spot on top of the blankets. She put her book away and sat up in bed.
,,You know, I should be doing something right now.” she said. The cat tilted its head before it began licking its paw. She got up, wandered into the kitchen, putting on the coffee pot, forgetting about the open window.

Scream

I want to. You know I do. But it's a questionless matter, it's never going to happen. And that is another thing that you damn well know. You fucking know it all, you fucking KNOW. And I feel so helpless, because you now have the power to do whatever you want. All I can do, all I can do about it is absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. Because you're the strongest, the fastest, the most powerful. You will suck the life out of me. You know it. All I can do is scream, scream what you already know. You know.

Please

Don't. Please don't. Please go, please don't come back here, it's crushing me, wasting me away, pushing the last remains of me over the edge, and I feel so guilty. Because somehow I know that you know. And sometimes you look at me like that, and then I don't know it again. Please don't show me the truth, let me have this just for myself, it was never meant to be shared with anyone. Not even myself, please don't. Please don't let me. Please don't. Please. I'm begging you. Please. I'm hiding from the world behind a broken frame. Please.

Oh Darling

What the hell was going on? He was pacing up and down the floor, wondering when she would be coming home, but he knew she wouldn't. For some reason he was kind of upset. He knew why he left, he knew she was tired of hanging around, but damnit! He needed his own fucking freedom too! If she wouldn't live with that, then he could live without her. He'd obviously have to live with that, since she probably wasn't coming home. Oh well, better get used to it. He picked up the cat and considered what he now would do.

Nothing

”Don't go.”
”I have to, I can't let this happen.”
”Let this happen? It's happening, whether you want it or not. Don't play coy with me, I'm not any brand of cheap idiot.”
He sighed, lifted his head from his pillow and looked at her. It wasn't this easy, nothing ever was. It couldn't be as easy as one-two-three love me. He couldn't. She shouldn't, they shouldn't be here, they should not be this close and still so far apart. Nothing ever worked like this, nothing had ever worked out to his fortune this way.

Leaving You

She kept silent. No need to wake him up, didn't want to wake him up. If she could just get her clothes and keys she'd be out of -
"Where are you going?"
Oh. Shit.
"Water. I'm thirsty." Please believe me!
"Since when do you need to be fully dressed, keys in hand, to get some water?"
Awkward silence.
"Okay. Spill it. You were leaving."
"... Yes."
"Why?" And he did that reading-your-thoughts thing again that made it so hard to tell the truth. Piercing blue-gray eyes met equally piercing hazel eyes.
"I'm sorry." And then she left their apartment.

Kill Me

I don't feel all right. I can feel you, I can feel you people under my skin and in my veins, and I hate it. I hate not being able to breathe and not being able to control myself when you're here. You're human. You're here. Even though I know you wouldn't, then it feels like you're going to hurt me. It's hurting me to be here. I'm frightened. Get me out. Get me out. GET ME OUT! I can't help it, you have to get me out, I can't breathe, I can't feel, you're killing me, all of you!

Ihate.you

It all depends on what you're going to do. I can't help you, I can't even help myself, how would I come about getting you out of the mess you created for yourself? And there is no way, no way at all this makes any sense. Sense died yesterday, yesterday it all fell apart. You know it, we could fall apart any moment. But you seem to be my glue, the glue that keeps me from cracking. And at the same time, the mere sight of you tears me apart. Simple time won't keep you from me. I hate you.

I Wish

I'm crazy. I know it. I know you think I'm crazy, and you're not even wrong. I wish you were, though. I wish I wasn't crazy, I wish I could do all the things that you people do around each other. I wish I could be around other people like you can. I wish I could, but I can't. I'm scared. I'm scared of you. You scare me to death, for no other reason than being human, being there. I would be more comfortable if you were all gone. But you're alive. And I am scared. I'm scared of you.

Going Nowhere

She kept walking, kept going, no reason to stop whatsoever. There was no way in hell she was going back to that, no matter what he said or did. All those endless hours of doubt and wonder, all the screaming and yelling and forgiving each other had worn her out. She wasn't going back, never coming home, and he just had to fucking face it already, instead of flooding her life with apologies. Yeah, that's what she told herself. Never coming home, never coming home. Never going back. Going nowhere with no destination and noone to share her life with.

Get Out

He looked, stared at her. ”I am not letting you go.” She groaned at him, close to just bashing him upside the head. ”I said, I am NOT letting you go!” And upon that, she turned around, pacing the room.
“Just because you're the biggest one of us...”
“It's not about that.”
“Then what?”
“Kiss me.”
“Excuse me?”
“You're not getting out of here before you kiss me.” he said, a strange look gleaming in his eyes.
“Why are you so fucking hard to read?”
“Don't ask me. Ask yourself.”

But You've Gotta Let Me Know (Should I Stay Or Should I Go)

"I'm just here to get my stuff, that's all." she said. He looked disappointed.
"So we're not going to figure this out? You're just going to leave?"
"That is my plan, yes. Any objections?"
"I love you."
"Agree to disagree."
"Fuck you."
"You already did that. In more than one sense."
"I don't care. I want you to stay."
"Maybe you should have thought of that before you started staying with other girls through the night."
"Maybe we should talk about this."
"Maybe I don't want to."
"I think we have to."
"Well, I don't." With that, she left again.

apocalypseME

I am ending this. Now. Now or never, I have to end this. Declare the end a reality. A reality show, so obscene, so surreal. And maybe, maybe I should have done it a long time ago. When I could still be dancing on bliss, broken glass, and there would be nothing to do about it. Apocalypse me. Kill me, kill me, so I know that I am dead for sure, and not just sleeping on the words that you said. Proclaim the end, the end is near. Precisely the end, and this is the end. I am the end.

hello

hello to you and hello to me.
this is my blog. or, well, the new one anyway.
you see, the old one kind of died after I forgot the password, and I am way too lazy to beg blogger to give it back to me.
so here it is. I know a few of the entries are identical to the ones at minikaizer.blogspot.com. but they're mine, I can prove it.

bye. see you in a 100 words.